Heaven

Last night,I dreamt that,
You were on your way to Heaven.
Clad in sparkling gold,
Your wild hair swept on your shoulders.
Your big brown eyes
Bright with excitement…
…On your way to Heaven !!

I tried to hold you in my arms,
Not wanting you to go,
Pulling away,
You said; Heaven’s waiting for me !
So, I let go…….

Tell me then,
Did you dance crazy the way you wanted?
On your tunes and not The Drummer’s,
Did He listen to you,
The way I did!
Was the mud there gold,
With accessories from Jupiter or Pluto,
The way you thought it would be.
Or is Heaven overrated like Love!

Did you find in Heaven
That you desperately looked for,
While you were with me on Earth?
Did the fellows there make you
Smile, laugh more?
Wiped tears away from
Your mahogany eyes?
Or did you lie to me
And went there
Looking for YOU instead?

Haven’t slept nor dared to breathe.
Since you died in my arms,
I have died a thousand times.
Wandered aimlessly, without a clue,
My mind in angst,
Wrecked with the thought,
Did you find your Heaven
The way you wanted ,….
Or should I follow you…
If it has proven worser than Earth ?

Dated: 3-3-2002

Life is short

Life is short...
So minimally, pathetically
Unjustifiably short...

Before you know, ...
The one you loved & fought,
With consistency and accuracy,
Of the latest torpedo.
One who promised to share
Your ups and downs
Little, if not more!
Has decided to be gone.
Leaving you cold and numb,
If not dead!

Before you know,
Your 'great idea',
Is outdated by someone else's',
Success for which you toiled,
Several nights in a row,
Doesn't taste as good,
With an ulcer !

Before you know,
Your day starts looking,
Like your nights,
Sea whose salt you could breathe,
A decade earlier.
Today,seems outlandish and unique.
Once, you were your child's,
Center of The Universe.
Today, you're thankful
He chooses to play chess with you.

Life is short...
Rightly so.
Would it be good enough,..
If it was long drawn out,
Treacherously unending,
Intolerably achingly infinite?

Mar 2005

Nostalgia

My childhood and then later youth has been unconsciously influenced by poems . Earlier,the only poems i could understand and appreciate were the ones in English class.
The ones which have stuck to my memory even though i completely lost track of poems after school are Daffodils by William Wordsworth, The Charge of the Light Brigade by Lord Tennyson,The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Coleridge , Abou Ben Adam by Leigh Hunt
In XI and XII i came across Emily Dickinson and Nissim Ezekiel- not during coursework .Since i was science student in college,appreciating poem,plays and stories in college class was considered useless by my class mates .Except me and other 5-6 students nobody attended English lectures in XI and XIIth.
I came across Emily Dickinson and Solitude by Ella Wheeler Willcox in a book of poems.
During my graduation years, i came across 2 lines of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem in a Mills and Boon [the only one i ever read]:

'I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need'
By sun and candlelight'

Internet had made inroads in India and i remember i searched for the poem.Those lines belong to 'How do I love thee?'.
Since I was in flush of my youth,full of romance this poem awakened my passionate side.This poem made me realize what a hopeless romantic and passionate and extreme person I'm.I knew it then if i ever fall in love- real love i'll know it and will not be able to deny it or rationalize it.
Emily Dickinson has been a part of my life ever since too. Her poems are sad, hopeful, full of pathos and a weird sensibility and i understood them.Her poems are a hallmark of a sad,real,passionate and sensitive -suffering woman.
Since then i have read Poems by American poets both 19th and 20th century.Except for few sonnets of Shakespeare, I find I cannot hold attention to 17th and 18th century poets.Most recently I have appreciated Pablo Nerudo's poems.And I'm still open to all kinds of poetry.I try and read Indian poetry however most of them are translated works.
My attempt at writing poetry is only to express certain things in verse instead of essays. I'm envious of poeple who write poems that rhyme because i haven't been able to do that successfully.

I wish i didn't have to pretend to smile

My grin is broad
And handshake firm
Just the way it ought to be
these days my jaw aches
and head burns
because i pretend to smile at
the random people i meet
through the day

All those random meetings
with unknown strangers
and with known strangers
day in and day out
when i'm tired at night
i remember none
not a single face
or beautiful words spoken.
just smudged blankness
i wish i didn't have to pretend to like

Sometimes i remember few meetings
only because i had wished
for being more ruder
and scared them away
i like it when the people i don't like
Don't pretend to smile
and see through me
As if i was fog personified

I wish these days
for only one friend
to go see a movie with
or share lunch and dinner
i want only one friend
who loves me
and who doesn't pretend to smile
Only one friend who will tease me
and worry for me
who'll not talk when i'm silent
nor probe me to find
my personality flaws
who'll eat with my spoon
when i have flu
only one voice in my head
besides mine.

Nice People

They believe they do no wrong
Hence don't wring hands in exasperation
They believe they follow righteous laws
Though they don't understand them
They think they speak the truth
And count the ways in which they love
They swear by God
And hum and haw the plaintive tunes
They touch every feet
Yet doll up slights and miseries.
They pay the shrinks
To explain away human nature
With complexes,neurosis or hysteria
Because they are too rich.

They follow social orthodoxy
Along with golf club memberships.
They have time to shop,and dine and dance
And cringe when un-nice people
Come knocking on their doors.
They are always suitably dressed
On birthdays,marriages and funerals
And look down at lesser beings
And find fault a dime a dozen.
They have prayer on lips
And condemn
If they deem 'required' !
They say all the right things
All the time.
Yet pounce on the guileless
For a wrong word or
even an hideous crown !

They call sweet nothings- love,
then go on being inconsiderate and cold
Their worth is by their 'good behaviour'
And promptly forget to see
Goodness reflected by others.
They judge themselves by vices
They don't use
And when they sin, they exclaim
'How foolish I am !
And not- 'Lord,I've sinned'
They measure and give as they receive
And sometimes if they see it fit
Don't give at all.
They count the ways in which beloveds hurt them
Yet not stop and listen
Whenever their beloveds groan at them.
They think they are good
from toe to wobbly brains
I think- In this age of thinning hair
Their Halos are on too tight !
If at all Almighty decides
To sprinkle some magic dust on me
I pray, let me remain- awful
And true to myself
With all impunity !

A Table for Two

I had written a poem with this title in Dec 2001,however like all good things i lost that poem to hard disk crash along with a lot of stuff. A month ago, while arranging my cupboard I came across the prints i had taken of the lost poems - I don't even remember when i took the prints ! :-)
The prints i found had only the first 2 lines of the poem.
So, I decided to complete it. This poem is nothing like the previous one- however it literally nagged me to be rewritten !

A Table for Two

A table for two,
A smile ,a nod.
Casual spread of coffee and cake
Accessories for conversation !

Two people at the table,
Making benign introductions
Coupled with giggle and laughter
Talking about niceties
Sprinkled with charming concoctions,
Gaiety and generous understanding
Typical of the first date.

Two people at the table
Struggling to make a good impression.
Shy,coquettish brown girl
With a smile to die for
Charming,brown boy
With stars in his eyes
and impish smile.
Almost able to convey
Earnestness and love.

Two people at the table
Big eyed girl
Trying not to look scared
Her eyes confirmed
Veracity of her tongue
Dressed to be liked
and known for herself
Her mind keen to know
The boy with her

A table for two,
Corner most at every hotel
Closeted yet open
To watchful hordes around
Two people at the table
Unaware of opinionated stares
Trying to know each other's truth
to break the cycle
Of knowing,realizing and leaving
Or of being left.

Let’s Become Strangers!

Let’s become strangers- that’s how we started!
So, once again- let’s be strangers!
You said-’we aren’t meant to be!
I knew-you didn’t want to be with me!
So, you go ahead and ignore
My beseeching face and dead eyes!
The puzzled coldness in my smile.
And I will walk away but if required,
Greet you, most humbly
Like a cordial long –lost acquaintance
Who I don’t deign to miss!

Now, don’t think me rude,
When I choose to ignore you.
You have done that to me.
A thousand times over.
I will dismiss your approval, longing and strife
Lurking beneath your cold charm.
I won’t chide-even in jest,
When you dismiss me
Shrinking under your gaze
Shrinking under your accidental touch.
Several years in the past,
I know how foolish I’ve been.
Trusted, when I knew – You didn’t have courage
To keep promises.
Now that I wish to have different dreams,
I will ignore your eyes
As you try to avoid mine!
You said- ‘We are different!’
See, I’m agreeing with you now
We are not same!

Let’s be strangers then
Strangeness will hide your cracked Mirror
And my broken Pane!
It’s better to live and then, die
Unknown to other
For your love for me is cruelty masked!
My love for you? -Why!
You named it-Cheap, childish farce.

So, God forbid!
If our paths ever cross
I will turn away first
Lest my eyes betray the past.
And if I can’t, I hope you do
And not fake friendliness for me
Which I know you have in scarce!